Redemption

“Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.”

- Tennessee Williams

Nothing could be said that is more true...

AA and many other organizations rely on external deities, loved ones and therapists to help people turn their life around. And though I have no strong faith in anything intangible I can't agree more. I wish with all my heart I could say I was strong enough to get my shit together all alone, but honestly I can't I knew always in the back of my mind who it was for.

Parenthood was never something I welcomed or embraced. When I saw my daughter being born I expected some unstoppable force to sweep me off my feet with emotion, safe to say now it never did. I remember the night before, as I lay there next to her mother hands intertwined and I wrote these words.

I fell asleep to your heartbeat last night
It was the first time I've felt alive in awhile

A poem that remains unfinished, in truth it I haven't felt alive since then. I felt scarred as I saw the woman I loved holding our new born daughter and the love in her eyes. Love incomprehensible to any father, she never looked at me with those eyes, and I knew my eyes held a faint sputtering star compared to the sun burning in hers. That fear is the very thing I spent the better part of a year running from. Replacing love with every short-lasting euphoria I could find.
Tonight I stared into my daughters eyes, she is very sick with pink eye among other things, and I saw tiny tears falling down her face. Tears that almost made me break down and cry. I found my redemption and a name for the poem, not to mention an ending line...

I watched your tears fall last night
It was the first time I've felt alive in awhile

On my own

Coming up on a year ago a naive young boy walked into a tattoo parlor in West Lafayette. In his hand he had the album leaf of the first cd by his favorite band. A self-titled album from The Used. His idea was to have his daughters name on his left forearm and some of his favorite lyrics on his right becept.
Top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
But something is missing
But what do i know
On my own

Truth is, neither of those things meant shit to him at the time, but fast foreward past all the fun, blown money, depression, and drugs; and you'll see the true meaning.
So here I am, at a crossroads in my life on the one hand I'm reunited with the love of my life and my beautiful one year old daughter and the other is that in order to save my sinking ship I enlisted in our United States Navy. I qualified for the nuclear program and leave this january for basic training and eventually school in Charleston, South Carolina. I've never been more excited to start the next phase of my life, make money and recieve a degree in nuclear engineering. If all things go too coarse then I will be able to take care of my family the way I've always wanted to. However, this also mean I need to be apart from the two people i care about for an unbeknowst period of time. It safe to say its terrifying to me, losing them again is something i know i can't handle. But, this time I will not spin a meloncholy tale but one of liberation. No matter what anyone else around me does my focus is set. I will succeed.... and do it on my own